Wasted Seconds

This has GOT to be one of those “free” games. Yeah, there’s no such thing as “free” in the indie games part, but honestly. How could someone charge for this.
You fire up the game, and you’re treated to a drag start screen that described the game. In a nutshell, you’re Johnny … you’re behind a cage or fence or something looking out at a minefield. After 5 seconds, the mines disappear and you make your way across the screen without hitting the mines. That’s it. It’s boring, it’s ugly and repetitive. The explosion when you hit a mine at least looks SOMEWHAT neat. Here’s my basic runthrough of the game when I first fired it up.

“Okay, let’s see what new in the Indie Games section. Okay, this looks cheesy. ‘Johnny’s Minefield’. Hmm, whatever.  Fucking Christ, Johnny looks like he’s on crack. Maybe they’ll think of something to do with that.”

*About 5 minutes later after playing I MAED A GAM3 W1TH Z0MB1ES!!!1 because I suck at dual stick shooters but the game is like electronic heroin*

“Well, at least I upped my high score. Now what fuckin’ game finished downloading … oh yeah. That ‘Minefield’ game.” Then I go into My Games … and fire the game up.

“God dammit I hate this stupid Microsoft screen ‘this game hasn’t been rated by ratings boards. Blah blah blah’ … Fuckers.  Okay, the music sounds kinda Charlie Brownish, fits the look of the screen.” I then hit Start. “Oh thank Christ you can turn the music off. Hit A to start, alright … what the fuck. What is this? Johnny’s a head with a couple of little circles sticking out for arms, the playfield looks like someone puked snot and took a picture of it and the mines look like Pokemon shit.” Then the mines disappear and the fence or whatever drops. “Alright, I think I can make it through here.” And did just fine for about 7 levels when I finally died.

Now let’s look at it from Johnny’s perspective. “Wha? Where am I? Aaaah!!! I can’t get out!!! My butt hurts!!! What happened??? What are those things on the ground? They don’t look good, I guess I’ve been asleep for a while because Squirtle pooped all over the place. What? Where’d they go? I’m out! Cool! There’s the exit!” *waddlewaddlewaddle murpmurp* *surprised look* What was that?? KABOOM!!!!

My reaction if this game was anywhere near good and/or interesting “JOHNNY!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!”

But it’s not. This game sucks, don’t bother.

Possibly related posts:

1. Xbox Live Indie Game Trial Impression – Johnny’s Skydiving Lessons
2. Xbox Live Indie Games Trial Impressions – I Heart Shift
3. Xbox Live Indie Games Review – Johnny Platform’s Biscuit Romp
4. Xbox Live Indie Games Trial Impressions – Aaron’s Ping-Pong
5. Xbox Live Indie Games Trial Impressions – Avatar Drop